sometimes when im sad i pretend i dont exist. whos to say i do. i just kinda shut everything out. i fixate and obsess on fiction. on fakeness. on lies. i dont know. nothing matters, nothing real exists dont you get that its better that way dont you get that when i exist so do you and i cant handle that i cant handle the sound of my heart in my ears i cant handle the vibrations through the eras that only brush other people but rock my entire world and not in a good way. dont you get that. we dont have to have the same values, that is not important, all i know is that its safer here. i can feel the pressure but its easier to ignore here. i dont matter to anyone. i dont even matter to myself. i dont need you here. i dont need you. i dont need you. i dont need you goddamit its the truth isnt it? when the  doctor asks me where it hurts i will not come back here. when they ask me why i am cold i will not come back here. i feel the finality like a gravestone. there is no resurrection there is no coming back. this story is over and its carved in stone and its done and i dont care if im okay and i dont care if your okay and i just dont care about anything anymore i just dont want to be so alone i just dont want to feel the wind knocking me down as i watch everybody else ride on it. everybody else is riding this wave i just want to get on it i just dont want to drown why does nobody see me drowning why am i stuck i just dont want to be alone dont you get that dont you get thats its easier if the wind doesnt exist if the other people dont exist if i dont exist and the whole scenerio is entirely obliterated if you are obliterated dont you get that thats easier dont you get that i want to be strong and i want to be different and i want to be able to survive. why is it so hard to survive. why am i so boring so goddamn ordinary. i dont know much but i do know that the flowers in my lungs are dead but i still cant breathe and the fire in my eyes was just a reflection but the burns still remain and that whatever i thought i was was a complete lie and everything is insignificant and thats all it ever will be. goddamn do you still not understand.

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